Subject: The Blonde Joke to end all blonde jokes!
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..."
He sighed......... "Let's put all the Frosties back in the box..."
Thread created: 16-May-2007 18:55:02
Andrew Polson < at >
Subject: Classic one mate
Thats hysterical mate
Reply posted: 17-May-2007 00:14:59
sarah strawsons < at > btinternet.com
Subject: Blondes ........
I've been working on that puzzle for years - wondered why it wouldn't work - and I'm not blonde !!!!!!!!
Reply posted: 17-May-2007 08:05:34
Andrew Polson < at >
Subject: Puzzle shape?
Round or square? Sounds like one of those that have no sides rotfl
Reply posted: 17-May-2007 11:18:05
owen me < at > here
Subject: another blonde one !!!!!!! oooeeerrrrr
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over. He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tyres.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"
Reply posted: 17-May-2007 12:26:55
Dave Mac < at >
Subject: Oh Dear
Have I started something here? Suppose so - get them jokes rolling in and then I'll not be the only one lynched in Hastings!
Reply posted: 17-May-2007 13:00:45
Dave Mac < at >
Subject: Living Will
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room watching TV and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
She's Such A Bitch.......
Reply posted: 17-May-2007 13:05:57
Dave Mac < at >
Subject: Irish Viagra
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask for his help in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "It really works."
"Not a chance," says she. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"No problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went"
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!" "Really? What happened?" he asked. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate!
He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"I don't understand," said the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor! The sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
Reply posted: 17-May-2007 13:09:53
Phil McDonald phil.mcdonald < at > blacks.co.uk
Subject: How long shall we keep this going?
SICK LEAVE:
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this...)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
Reply posted: 17-May-2007 17:33:31
Dave Mac < at >
Subject: Lady!
A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop, she browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it, as she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident, as she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been nearby at the time of her little 'accident', she poses the question - "what is the price of this beautiful necklace?"
The salesman answered, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
Reply posted: 18-May-2007 16:50:24
Di dialex < at > stone43.freeserve,cocuk
Subject: Dave Mac
Don't give up the day job Dave......... keep um coming
Reply posted: 18-May-2007 20:27:38
Dave Mac < at >
Subject: The Scotsman
A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for £100?
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for £1,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again.
"Would you let me bite your breasts just once for £10,000?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, £10,000 - Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."
Reply posted: 23-May-2007 20:28:43
Andrew Polson < at >
Subject: Blond joke
What did the blondes left leg say to the right leg?
Nothing, they've never met ...
Reply posted: 14-Jun-2007 11:15:27
Andrew Polson < at >
Subject: Gonna get in trouble for this
Q. How many blonde feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Dave Mac says ...
sarah
owen
Di